WASHINGTON D.C. – Following a whirlwind week at Davos, and despite backtracking on threats to annex Greenland, US President Donald Trump is still threatening to tariff Champagne to keep people from partying when he dies.
“I think about Heaven, about how proud God will be when I go to heaven,” he told a Davos crowd after making an impromptu trip to the stage and grabbing the microphone during an unrelated presentation on clean energy.
“God up in his Heaven, with all the beautiful people there, we got all of the illegals, all of the trans out of there, very bad people, lots of beautiful harps… they’re very expensive these days, harps… the biggest clouds… the biggest clouds you can imagine… and I think about all the people down in the Great States of America, and how they will be so sad I’m gone, and the bad people, the ones who are happy to see Trump gone because they were jealous… of how big he was… they won’t have any champagne, because of the highest tarrifs the world has ever seen.”
“Thank you for your attention to this matter,” he added, before continuing, “and the people at Studio 54, that was a great place to party Studio 54, they’ll be up in the balcony, and they’ll say ‘Where’s the bubbly?’ and the waiter will have to say ‘there is no bubbly, ma’am, because Trump made it all go away, so you can’t have any.’ And then they will cry tears, hot tears, because I am in heaven, and they have no champagne.”
At press time, Trump had exited the stage to ask if Imelda Marcos was at Davos and whether she wanted to sell him the Philippines.
