SURREY, BC – Local accounts supervisor Megan Carlyle, has left behind all traces of her former life after learning that an office acquaintance stumbled upon her tumblr page.
“It’s breached containment!” said Carlyle, 29, appearing via video call with her face blurred out and her location untraceable. “My Cophine fan edits. My 5000-word treatise on Mr. Darcy’s hand flex in Pride and Prejudice. The self-insert fanfic inserting myself into someone else’s self-insert fanfic that I wrote when I was 13. Oh god. It’s all out there.”
Carlyle became aware of the breach Monday morning when a colleague sent her one of her old artworks on Slack. “Is this you? It’s pretty good!” wrote co-worker Brendan Holloway, 33, unaware that he was bringing about Carlyle’s personal hell.
The piece in question was from Carlyle’s self-described “Blue Period”, during which she only drew work inspired by Eiffel 65’s hit song “Blue (Da Ba Dee).” Holloway says he found the post after Carlyle accidentally revealed her former art pseudonym, Georgia O’Queef, after one too many drinks at the office holiday party.
Carlyle was prepared for the worst, having invested several years ago in a bug-out bag, a prepaid cell phone, and remote cabin in the woods with a stable Internet connection should her tumblr ever become exposed. Unfortunately, she had to throw all those plans out the window since she had previously detailed them in a post on her alt tumblr, which pivoted to survivalism after tumblr banned being horny in 2018.
The archives of Carlyle’s blog form an intimate portrait of the, as described in her blog bio, “bisexual art gremlin’s” life, including the exact date she fell off Supernatural, the exact date she got back into Supernatural, a precise timeline of every relationship she’s ever been in, and the discovery of the various books, TV shows, and fan ships that permanently altered her brain chemistry.
“I’m never going to recover from this,” said Carlyle, by which we mean she reblogged the “I’m never going to financially recover from this” still from Tiger King with the word “financially” edited out.
At press time, Carlyle was reportedly spotted in several places across Canada, including a make your own flower crown workshop, a fan convention, and a local Hot Topic.
