Washington, D.C. – In another upending of health rules and regulations from the new administration, secretary of health RFK Jr. has revealed the true dangers of seat belt use.
“Seatbelts may be one of the largest contributors to autism,” hissed Kennedy at a recent press briefing. “While there is a lot of data supporting how safe they are, there is one study from an influencer from Tik Tok that might show a link between death, autism, leprosy, and seatbelts. That’s good enough for me.”
While seatbelts have been proven to save lives, the administration argues that the small chance that seatbelts may make some people more introverted is worth the many deaths that will come from removing seatbelts from all vehicles.
“When it comes to seatbelts, don’t wear ‘em,” stated Trump at a recent meeting after being asked about Palestine. “They can stretch and go all around but then, often you find you pull it and doesn’t come out and you go, ‘ah’, and you still can’t pull them around you. We had one of the worst administrations before, 2016, terrible president, he would often be wearing these seatbelts. You don’t need seatbelts for pants, that’s what belts are, you can just wear you pant belt in the car, but that’s what the democrats would do.”
Critics say the move is merely revenge from the President’s administration after a seatbelt embarrassed the president during a driving tour where he was unable to unbuckle himself from his vehicle. The Trump administration has said this is a vicious lie, as the President knows how to unbuckle a seatbelt and has never been embarrassed or felt shame at any point in his life.
