PARIS – Following a brazen daylight heist of the French crown jewels from the Louvre, French authorities have declared no charges will be laid, citing the country’s “Trop Cool Pour Être Un Crime” (“Too Cool to be Crime”) law.
On Sunday, four thieves carried out a highly professional and wicked daylight raid on the famed museum, very awesomely disguising themselves as maintenance workers and running off with eight pieces of priceless historic jewellery like it was nothing. Eyewitnesses then report, if you can believe it, that the objectively badass thieves used a truck with a basket lift to access the second floor, before donning balaclavas and fleeing the scene on motorcycles.
Fucking motorcycles!
“The theft of these jewels is an attack on France’s history and heritage, which would also make for a pretty dope movie,” French President Macron announced in an address to the nation. “Upon the counsel of my Minister of Justice, Gérald Darmanin, we are ordering officers to stand down and let these sick as hell criminals enjoy the fruits of their crime, which they are probably toasting on a yacht or something even more awesome right now as we speak.”
“Did I mention they escaped on motorcycles,” Macron added, before showing everyone a YouTube video of the crime on his phone.
The “Trop Cool Pour Être Un Crime” law has its origins in 1960s Paris, when star of French New Wave cinema, Jean-Paul Belmundo, reportedly stole a baguette to give to a young woman, all while riding a scooter with a cigarette dangling insouciantly from his lips. In the ensuing decades, criminal defence attorneys have attempted, rarely successfully, to argue that their clients’ actions should not be punishable by law due to being “objectively rad”.
Back in Paris, officials are unanimous in agreement that the daring Louvre robbery meets this standard of justice.
“This was like an episode of Lupin,” reports France’s Interior Minister Laurent Nunez, referring to the hit Netflix series about a dashing thief and master of disguise who robs the rich in the name of justice. “I can just imagine the thieves pulling off latex masks as they speed down the street on motorcycles. I’m sorry but they are welcome to those jewels.”
The press conference was then cut short by reports of terrorists parachuting out of an Air France jet onto the Eiffel Tower, threatening to destroy the structure if their demands are not met.
“Sacre bleu… This is going to be a tough one,” remarked Macron.
