MOSCOW – After Russian drones were intercepted inside Polish airspace, Russian President Vladimir Putin issued a statement assuring the world that no evil person throughout history has ever attempted to invade the sovereignty of Poland.
“I know this seems like a deliberate attempt by an imperial power to violate Polish borders,” Putin noted, “but I can assure you that this type of incursion has never once signalled that a malevolent despot has a plan to invade Poland before expanding onward to the rest of Europe.”
“I think you’ll find that this type of blatant military campaign has never once happened in the past century, and definitely not spearheaded by a genocidal madman hellbent on dominating the globe,” Putin added, pausing several times to offer a creepy ex-KGB smirk.
Across Russian, media pundits struggled to find any kind of historical corollary to Putin’s willing offensive towards neighbouring Poland. Any journalists who did suggest a precedent for Putin’s megalomaniacal attempt to attack Poland were quickly sent photos of their family members standing next to open windows.
In Washington D.C., President Donald Trump also echoed Putin’s sentiment that his use of military drones inside Poland had nothing in common with any other notable tyrants from the 20th century.
“What Mr. Putin did in Poland was totally nice, and definitely not any kind of spark that could ignite a World War,” Trump insisted, after concluding a rambling 30 minute diatribe about how much he never knew Jeffrey Epstein.
Trump added, “Next thing you’re gonna tell me that my extrajudicial bombing of an alleged Venezuelan drug boat is reminiscent of the Blitz, which it is not, because I have nowhere near that much of a plan.”
Following the drone incursion into Poland, sources inside the Kremlin say that Putin has spent the several hours in the bathroom mulling what he might look like with a Chaplin-style moustache.
