35 Minutes Away From Where You’d Ideally Like To Live – Frank Moriarty, the landlord of the apartment you took the afternoon off from work to view, told you today that the space under the front porch counts as a second bedroom.
When pressed for further details, the author of the apartment listing entitled “Beautiful Bright Big 2 Bedroom Apartment With 2 Separate Bedrooms That Are Both In The Apartment And Usable” reiterated his claim that the apartment is a legitimate two bedroom unit. “Look, you have a kitchen, a living room, a bathroom, and a bedroom all in one room for easy convenient use, and then you have a second bedroom that’s right here under the porch. It’s a wonderful split-level unit!”
This apartment listing follows a broader trend. As the rental market across Canada has cooled slightly, with average rents falling from “No way in hell” to “Seriously?” landlords have taken creative measures to keep ripping you off at the record levels seen immediately following the COVID-19 pandemic. Before finding this apartment, you saw listings for other units owned by Moriarty that were obviously either garages, sheds, and in one case an empty swimming pool that were all described as “Luxury Apartment For Foreign Student Or Young Professional With No Family In Canada Or Knowledge Of Legal Protections For Tenants.”
While you initially pushed back against his claim regarding the space under the porch, Moriarty – who was 25 minutes late to the showing that he moved up by an hour – held firm. “Look, if we’re going by the classic ‘roof’ definition of what is a bedroom, then this is a bedroom. It’s got a roof that, if I’m being honest, is more waterproof than the one for the rest of the place. No water or fresh air is gettin’ in here”, he said before banging his head on the ceiling. He also stated that the bedroom is so spacious that for the past year it has been comfortably housing a family of four… raccoons.
The current occupant, Fatima Basma, was surprised to learn of the second bedroom and of her roommates. “Wait, so you’re telling me there’ve been freeloaders who haven’t been splitting the rent? They could have at least done the dishes now and then.” When the tophat-and-monocle-clad Moriarty stepped out to take a call regarding his day job of crypto trading, Basma told you that she is moving out because the toilet, oven, and fridge have stopped working and that this viewing is the first time she has seen the landlord in person.
Moriarty ended the tour by telling you that the rent is $300 over your budget and then handed you a tablet prompting you to tip him for the tour.
