CALGARY – Following a shocking spate of non-fatal stabbings at this year’s Calgary Stampede, reports are that the even has already sold out of hastily-commissioned “Calgary Stab-pede” merchandise.
“On one hand we worried that this would be in poor taste,” explains Calgary Stampede spokesperson Shirley Gunderson, “But on the other hand, everyone survived and the pun is right there. We couldn’t resist.”
Gunderson added, “For anyone who missed purchasing one of our Calgary Stab-pede shirts, mugs, or novelty cowboy hats, we still have boxes of unsold ‘Blue Sky City’ merch available for 50% off.”
Following Tuesday’s attack, witnesses say it was only 2 hours until the grounds were flooded with Stab-pede baseball caps, foam knives, and t-shirts reading “I got stabbed at the Calgary Stampede and all I got was this lousy 6-hour ER wait time”.
Attendees at the Stampede explain that the violent stabbings have only heightened this year’s excitement.
“When I heard there was somebody going around doing stabbings, I assumed it was just horses being euthanized,” explained Max Bishops, 37. “But then when I heard it was people getting stabbed – dude, I knew I needed to buy a t-shirt!”
Vendors at the festival insist that, while they don’t necessarily want to see any other attendees get stabbed, they would not be averse to another bump in sales.
“In only 3 hours I sold out of those bobble heads of Knifey, the Calgary Stab-pede Knife,” explained Jeffers Melman, a longtime souvenir salesman at the Western-themed event. “So, like, maybe that dangerous maniac could get back out there? Or not. But maybe?”
At press time Prime Minister Mark Carney attempted to win over crowds by stabbing someone at the Calgary Stampede, but was unable to hold the knife properly.
