OTTAWA – After inviting Indian PM Narendra Modi Prime Minister Mark Carney issued strict rules for the upcoming G7 meeting in Kananaskis, Alberta, limiting assassinations to one per guest nation.
“The Prime Minister understands it’s not fair if only one country gets to do a murder in Canada,” said a PMO spokesperson. “Now everyone gets one.”
When asked if one assassination per guest was the solution to such a sensitive matter, Italian Prime Minister Giorgia Meloni agreed it was, adding, “We have not yet chosen our victim, but it will likely be someone online making Italian food wrong. Cream in the carbonara, that kind of thing.”
Critics of the move say Carney’s invitation to Modi is tone deaf considering the objections from Canada’s Sikh community. They move also threatens to upstage the economic discussions meant to be the focus of the G7 event. The PMO countered that India already used it’s murder two years ago, so if any country is going to upstage the event, it will likely be Japan, whose preferred assassination method is wacky game shows.
Other invitees said they were unlikely to take Carney up on his generous offer, with German Chancellor Friedrich Merz claiming he was only planning to “murder a box of beaver tails,” and UK Prime Minister Keir Starmer demurring that his country used theirs up during colonialism, “and then some.”
For his part Mr. Modi advised that he was grateful for the invitation, and looks forward to deepening economic ties with a country as thoroughly fucked for other options as Canada.
