HAMILTON, ON – In a growing trend, some Canadian dads won’t be receiving a traditional Father’s Day gift this year. Instead of tools, flannel, or mid-tier barbecue accessories, they’ll be getting their minds blown—on 7 grams of magic mushrooms.
With psilocybin mushrooms, or “shrooms” available in specialty shops scattered across the country, it’s never been easier ditching the go-to Dad-gifts in favour of something truly special. Local data analyst Jeff Miller said the last thing his father needs is another doorstop book about D-Day.
“What he really needs is to listen to Massive Attack on repeat while hugging the red maple tree in our backyard,” Miller added, making a note to stock up on Gatorade.
John Henderson of Red Deer, Alberta was surprised to receive magic mushrooms instead of the usual gifts during his Father’s Day dinner at the local Montana’s last year. “I was expecting another bottle of Glenlivet, or a mug with a lighthouse on it. I was not expecting ego death.”
Henderson’s daughter Sara remembers the day fondly. “One minute he was cracking jokes about me being vegan, the next he was an inch from my face saying I’m a perfect angel from heaven.”
So how much magic mushrooms do dads need? Experts say doses up to 2 grams give dads a feeling of euphoria as well as various sensory effects comparable to the feeling of finding the correct size of Tapcon concrete screws at Canadian Tire. Tripping fathers may perceive patterns as moving or rippling, or they may briefly become aware of how much emotional labour they avoid.
However, experts caution that it’s at so-called “heroic” doses of 5 grams or more that dads “really get their eggs scrambled”.
In such cases, the average father will experience mind-bending hallucinations, profound emotions, time elasticity, urges to apply WD-40 to all household hinges, and the feeling that one’s very atoms are being made and un-made with every breath.
“That’s why it’s such a nice gift,” adds Henderson. “You’re giving your dad an eight-to-twelve hour vacation from himself.”
While this novel approach to Father’s Day gift giving certainly makes an impression, experts caution that, unlike socks, ties, and Bill Bryson books, mega-doses of shrooms may not be for everyone. Danny Deluca of Morris, Manitoba agreed, admitting he could have done without last year’s experience.
“I’m honestly not sure I exist anymore. Or if I ever did. At best, I’m like a ripple on a pond– a fleeting, meaningless process instead of a person. I learned things that day I can never unlearn. So I made the kids promise we’d just go play mini-golf this year.”
Luckily, such experiences appear to be in the minority. In fact, Jeff Miller plans to expand on the plan in the future. “Forget brunch at Cora’s. Next Mother’s Day, we’re all doing molly.”
