QUEBEC CITY – Following a recent bill requiring immigrants to adopt shared values, Quebec has also advanced new legislation requiring immigrants to not be any different than people already living in Quebec.
In a bold move to remind the world that the USA and Alberta do not have a North American monopoly on closed-mindedness, the province of Quebec recently passed the legislation. “We firmly believe that people who look different, sound different, and believe different things are harmful to social cohesion,” explained Immigration Minister Jean-François Roberge.
“We basically only want Quebecois and Quebecoises to immigrate to Quebec. If your family has lived in Quebec for 350 years, then you are our ideal immigration candidate. However, if your family has lived in Quebec for over 500 years we will pretend you don’t exist and may encourage you to go away.”
Minister Roberge also pointed out that being a native French speaker does not guarantee that you belong in Quebec.
“The immigrants from France who now infest the Montreal Plateau have brought with them an inferior form of French that uses unacceptable anglicisms like ‘parking’ instead of ‘stationnement’, ‘email’ instead of ‘courriel’ and ‘protest’ instead of ‘ferme ta gueule, calisse!’”
The bill gives detailed descriptions of what new citizens must believe and how they should act. For example, good citizens must hate all religious hats, except the red MAGA cap. The same section mandates that immigrants be secular, or at the very least secretly Catholic.
Immigrants are also discouraged from bringing their traditional cuisine and should limit themselves to a diet of poutine, tourtiere, May Wests, and lots of pork products.
At press time the only comment available from indigenous people who have lived for thousands of years on land they do not call Quebec was a deep sigh and a shake of the head.
