ST. THOMAS – After studying the contents of one of the largest landfills in Ontario, researchers have determined that everything you love will one day be garbage.
The stuffy that you couldn’t fall asleep without during your elementary school years is garbage. Your Nirvana t-shirt from high school that you owned before Grunge music was cool is also garbage before you even throw it away. The first drawing by your first-born child is garbage, and was garbage before your child even existed. In fact, the phone you are now using to read this article will soon be garbage.
“Everything that is classified as knick-knacks, trinkets, baubles, or bric-à-brac, what your Grandma referred to as ‘her treasures,’ was pretty much garbage before it was even bought,” the report read, adding that anything bought at Claire’s 12 for $1 sale should be included in that category. The report noted that even if your ancestors took pain-staking care to preserve the things you love, one day your great-great-great grandchild will look upon everything you adored and declare it garbage.
Estate liquidator and appraiser, Justine Frampton, commented on the report. “No one wants any of this, for lack of better word, crap. Sure it’s a dresser that has survived since the 1800s and was hand made but it’s garbage. People, now, seem to only value furniture they assembled themselves while arguing with their partner,” said Frampton. “It’s sad but landfills are literally overflowing with possessions that someone loved at some point.”
At press time, archeologists were removing 1000s of miniature souvenir spoons from landfills so future generations wouldn’t think we all only ate with tiny silver spoons featuring our location on the handle.