TOFINO, BC – After trying multiple brands and formulations of natural deodorant, it’s been decided that natural deodorant is absolutely a waste of nature. Our planet deserves better than to have its resources squandered on a product that does nothing to reduce perspiration and definitely does not stop the smell of sweating.
Humans have been wasting nature for all sorts of reasons, from Crocs to single-use plastic straws. Usually though, those products served some purpose. Unfortunately, natural deodorant has no usefulness and is devoid of value, which makes its exuberant price tag even more absurd.
“As someone with an allergy, I’ve wasted thousands of dollars trying every natural deodorant. From crystals you dip in water, to a cream made with beeswax and charcoal, I’ve never finished the day not smelling like a wet hockey bag,” explained natural deodorant victim and environmentalist Agnes Anders. “I can’t believe that I’ve been a part of wasting the planet’s precious resources on this crap. The bees cannot be impressed that we are wasting their gift of beeswax on something this terrible”
A representative from GOOP, Tiffany Waters, tried to defend natural deodorant. “I find natural deodorant a great way to connect to nature. I feel like Cinderella when the animals help her get ready, I know that if the animals could talk, they would definitely be recommending a natural deodorant,” said Waters. “Sure the essential oils in these deodorants could be used in medicine, but at least they aren’t decaying as an untapped part of nature.”
At press time, natural deodorants were rotting away in garbage heaps, hoping for the day they’d be converted into something useful like mulch.