HAMILTON, ON – Alf Keeling, a 37-year-old marketing manager recently got his first dose of the Moderna vaccine, and was given the OK to return to working in his office – but only the vaccinated half.
“I was excited to get back to my daily grind, but it was difficult deciding which half to leave at home”, Keeling said, both halves sitting side by side but not touching. “I finally decided to vaccinate my right side and send that in to the office, ‘cause I’m better at playing the Switch with my left hand.”
Keeling went on to mention that he feared his boss wouldn’t be OK with this arrangement, but Keeling’s supervisor was thrilled to only pay his employee half the salary and only give him half the benefits (for the vaccinated side).
Many half-vaccinated people are taking the slow return to work approach, but this doesn’t convenience everyone. A TTC worker, for example, sent just his legs into work after getting his first dose, and ended up causing the 40 car pile-up downtown late last Thursday.
Celine Neil, the executive assistant to a local CEO says the half-vaxxed approach is working great. “My boss’ job consists of just trying to look busy anyway,” Neil told us while heading to her second job. “Sometimes he even just sends in a hand, or a finger, and then he makes 2.5 million dollars a year.”
At first, Keeling didn’t know how the split in half would work. “I got excited because maybe I could team up with a horse,” Keeling reported. “I could send my top half attached to a bottom horse half, and be a centaur. But when they asked me if I wanted to be a top or a bottom, I got cold feet and just said right. Also horses aren’t getting vaccinated so they’re still just whole.”
At press time, Keeling was seen sewing himself back up to the wrong person’s left half and having to live his new life while trying to get along with Rich from accounting.