OTTAWA – Kyle Traylor, self-proclaimed feminist, recently amended his previous claims that we should ‘Believe All Women,’ indicating that, “Yes of course we need to believe all women” but that the ones accusing him are all definitely, “full of shit.”
The amateur podcaster went on to say that, “I have always said how society unfairly treats women who come forward, but clearly that doesn’t apply to my ex-girlfriend who everyone knows likes to make up stories in order to go through emotionally taxing and traumatizing recountings of the incidents. It’s just her thing,” Traylor explained, adjusting his The Future Is Female t-shirt. “Likewise, that ‘believe all women’ exception applies to the girls on my old improv team, two of my female co-workers, and that woman with all the so-called ‘credible evidence’ against me.” Air quotes were used.
When asked about the multiple women who have come forward saying that Traylor had flashed his penis at them on their way to work, Taylor pointed at his copy of a bell hooks book and then gestured to his bowl of loose tampons, stating, “Need I say more?”
When observers did, in fact, need him to say more, Traylor proceeded to call up his mother, Lindsey Traylor, who told reporters that “Kyle is a good boy and has always been a good boy and all these people need to stop making him so upset”. When the circumstances were explained to her she admitted that, actually, Traylor was “kind of a douchebag”. Traylor has since extended his exception to include his mother.
Traylor left the interview insisting, “Listen, if it happened before 2017 when we technically started to believe all women, it doesn’t count.” After which point he had to get in his Uber, only to add from a rolled down window, “It also doesn’t count if they’re really tall!”
At press time Traylor went on to affirm his support for Black Lives Matter, except for any jokes he tells after 3 beers.