WASHINGTON, DC—Police have reportedly expressed quiet concern following a disturbing statistic showing actress and activist Jane Fonda’s re-offence rate has nearly quadrupled at an alarming speed.
Fonda, an outspoken advocate for climate change policy, has just been arrested during a demonstration for the fourth time in the past month.
“Normally, it’s inevitable to expect a certain amount of Jane Fonda to returning to her previous behavior,” spokesperson Sgt. Thomas Vimm told reporters. “That’s just the sad reality of what these streets do to people–especially beloved octogenarian performers.”
“But in recent months,” Vimm continued, “We’ve found that not only has she continued to re-offend, but her repetitions are actually picking up at a frequency we frankly haven’t seen since the unbroken series of utterly perfect performances she gave during the early 70’s.”
In the face of this troubling trend, some are calling for increased penalties for third and fourth offences committed by the 81-year-old star of 9 to 5 and On Golden Pond.
“While a few politically correct folks would prefer to put their heads in the sand, it is clear that we have a full-blown crisis on our hands,” Police Chief Harold Frims told reporters. “Unless we send a clear message to Jane Fonda that Jane Fonda crimes will be punished swiftly and severely, we could have a down-to-earth yet stylish, morally committed yet sexually adventurous, politically astute and stunningly well-preserved situation on our hands.”
“As soon as we can build a maximum security prison fantastic enough to hold her, we must get Jane Fonda under lock and key for good. We’re not careful, we could have an uprising that rivals the last act of Barbarella in its audacity and explosiveness,” Frims added with a shiver.
Yet in the face of this troubling increase, some police have advocated for a shift in focus toward rehabilitation rather than punishment.
“Sure, in our society, some want to simply lock away Jane Fonda,” prison reform advocate Preston Berkowski told reporters. “But before we resort to such measures, we should consider the cost incarcerating Jane Fonda has on society.”
Berkowski has pointed out that keeping Jane Fonda in jail might exacerbate, not reduce re-offence. “She’s already setting an example for younger actors,” he explained, referring to Ted Danson’s arrest at the same event as Fonda last week.
Even more concerning, by locking up Jane Fonda, authorities might inadvertently be teaching other inmates the illicit “tricks of the trade” of being Jane Fonda. These could range from smaller offences like tossing off brilliant bon mots about aging gracefully, to more serious transgressions such as harnessing celebrity to communicate clear political messages.
“Plus have you listened to that workout tape? Can you imagine a facility full of inmates who’d all put their bodies through that efficient yet effective workout? The supple figures they would unleash on the world could be devastating!”
While Berkowski advocates for programs that emphasize re-training and educational programs to try to change Jane Fonda’s ways, Frims is ultimately skeptical.
“Re-train Jane Fonda?” he reportedly scoffed. “How anyone can watch the hilarious comic timing blended with quiet dignity in the last season of Grace and Frankie, and have the arrogance to think we as a society could fix that kind of personality is beyond me.”