FORT McMURRAY, AB – After pouring a bucket of water over the head of a suspected environmentalist to simulate drowning, Alberta Premier Jason Kenney again demanded his chained captive raise the oil prices to make his province’s oil and gas industry profitable.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about!” screamed the shivering half naked man held in a corporate detention centre. “Please! Please let me return to my co-op. I can’t do anything about the price of oil! The economy has already started to shift to renewables and there’s nothing you can do to stop it.”
“We know who you’re working for,” said the shadowy oil executive taking a puff on his cigarette before turning to Kenney. “Again.”
The Premier drenched the suspect’s face covering again causing the activist to convulse and rattle his handcuffs.
“Don’t make me turn this water into bitumen,” threatened Kenney staring at the quivering shell of a man. “Now, listen granola muncher: if you don’t tell me how you single handedly influenced geopolitics to bring down demand, you’ll be sleeping in a tailings pond.”
The uncooperative activist was taken into the room for more sleep deprivation including the forced viewing of the Canadian Association of Petroleum Producers musical “Ethical Oil” and “The Best of Nickelback Volume 1 and 2.”
“Sometimes you scare me, Kenney,” said the shadowy oil executive crushing the butt of his cigarette. “It seems like you’re enjoying this.”
The Premier only responded with a smile before moving on to the next victim.