Federal government thank wildfires for clearing path for Trans Mountain pipeline - The Beaverton
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Federal government thank wildfires for clearing path for Trans Mountain pipeline

KAMLOOPS, BC – The federal government is celebrating an unexpected windfall as it has discovered that the wildfires ravaging British Columbia have coincidentally cleared the path for the pipeline.

“The fires raging across British Columbia have been a nightmare for citizens and a disaster for the environment,” said Navdeep Bains, Minister of Innovation, Science and Economic Development. “But when you look beyond those choking clouds of smoke you will see that we don’t have to cut down any trees for the pipeline expansion since they’ve already burned down!”

The National Energy Board says the project is literally shovel-ready, as the ancient forests of the Rocky Mountains and the Fraser Plateau only to need to be shoveled out of the way.

“If you look at it in the right way, this has been a raging inferno of prosperity,” said Mark Power, CFO of the NEB. “Not having to cut down forests means that we will shave tens of millions of dollars off the projected cost of – what are we saying this week? – $7.8 to $9.3 billion dollars.”

When asked if this cost savings would be passed onto the taxpayers footing the bill, Mr Power was struck by a coughing fit his aides claim was caused by wildfire smoke.

Stepping in for the incapacitated Mr Power, Steven J Kean of Kinder Morgan said, “Evacuations and incinerated homes are a small price to pay for a pipeline that will put money in pockets and cars on the road. A blanket of smoke won’t bother you much when you’re doing 140 km/h with the A/C on!”

In an update, the Alberta government confirmed that another benefit of the fires is that they keep pipeline protestors away. “You can’t chant ‘Hey! Ho! Trans Mountain has got to go’ if you can’t breathe,” said a smiling Rachel Notley.

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