JUPITER ISLAND, FL – Having not won a PGA tournament since 2013, a wide array of golf experts agreed on Thursday that golfing legend Tiger Woods still looks “very tired” from all that extramarital sex he was having a few years back.
While there are many reasons for his fall from the upper echelon of the golfing world, from myriad back injuries, to old age, to inconsistent putting, there is one reason everyone who watches Tiger can agree on: He had so much sex for a while there that it has put him in a permanent state of exhaustion.
“Everyone ages differently,” agrees the Golf Channel’s Will Gray, adding that Woods now almost 60 to 70 years older than he actually is. “As a golf expert, I can say that it is literally because he emitted so much fluid during the act of lovemaking that he has become a dry husk of a man.”
Tiger failed to follow in the tradition of golfing greats of the past who refrained from extramarital sex in order to retain their stamina in the later stages of their careers. Jack Nicklaus retired his penis in a well-attended ceremony in Augusta 1972, and Arnold Palmer famously drank an iced tea mixed with lemonade every time he thought about having sex.
“Look, I can talk to you all day about how the mechanics of his drive have changed over the years,” says golf coach Tom Morton. “But I can’t look at his haunted features without thinking about how we was going at it with, like, what, 120 women at the same time? I did the nasty with my wife twice last night and I’m kind of tired talking to you now. Multiply that by, like, a million, and then you’ll be in the ballpark of how tired Tiger Woods feels all the time.”
When asked for comment, Woods wheezed out a cloud of dust, pointed towards his pelvis, and shook his head.