AMERICA — In the wake of the latest mass shooting, the United States of America has collectively decided that it makes more sense to leave their flags at half-mast on an ongoing basis.
“Lowering the flag to half mast is meant to be a sign of respect for fallen Americans, but we found the raising and lowering was just taking up most of our time,” explained Lt. Frank Gerson, of Sacramento’s Fort Wertham base. “Sometimes we were even lowering the flag to commemorate multiple tragedies at the same time, so unfortunately this just made sense.”
Researchers project that keeping the nation’s flags permanently half-lowered, as opposed to adjusting them every time yet another mass shooting occurs, will save millions of dollars. It is also projected to save hundreds of thousands of man-hours of labour.
“It gets to be pretty hard on the back, lowering and raising ol’ glory ever single time some maniac attacks a crowd of civilians with an AR-15,” explained Tucker Millford, 64, of Kentucky. Demonstrating the flagpole in front of his suburban home, currently set to half-mast in lieu of last week’s tragedy, Millford expained further.
“Now that you mention it, I can’t really seem to recall the last time we even had the flag at full-mast,” Millford added.
With American mass shootings occurring 6 times per week, on average, officials grew concerned about the wear and tear on civic and residential flag poles. “We take pride in our poles,” explained Serena Marks, 42, of Marks Heavy Duty Flag Accessories. “But even our industrial strength products weren’t meant to withstand the stress from this many solemn remembrances. We need a break, both for moral and flag durability-related reasons.”
In Fairfax, VA, the perpetual half-masting of the nation’s flags was welcomed by Oliver North, of the National Rifle Association. “By removing the time-consuming requirement to set flags at half-staff, patriotic Americans will now have much more free time with which to purchase another gun.”
At press time, the nation made a mental note that their permanently half-raised flags were now commemorating this week’s shooting tragedy, as opposed to last week’s tragedy.
