The world has embraced body positivity: You don’t need to be a certain way in order to be beautiful! So now what spring is upon us, why not spend your limited time on this Earth worrying about a bunch of other things you probably can’t fix? There are a lot of them, but this list is a great jumping off point.
1. How you look when you cry
How you look when you cry says a lot about you! What you want to say is: my sadness is temporary, my hotness is eternal. Practise this type of crying by watching animal abuse videos on youtube and then staring straight ahead in the mirror. If your eyes well up and your lip trembles but your face doesn’t turn red, you’re doing it right! Pro tip: no one will take your emotional needs seriously if they can’t stand to look at you.
2. That thing your coworker said to you that one time
That was kind of weird, wasn’t it? Maybe rude, even? Why would they say that to you? Was it actually “just a joke” or is there some deep seated hate there? Probably! Perhaps they’re trying to ruin your life, one backhanded comment at a time. You’ll never know if don’t you overthink it!
3. Your Personal Brand
Sure, your “audience” is just made up of your friends, family, and Steve, the random Ukrainian guy who followed you on instagram before you made your account private, but they still expect and deserve good content. To extend your reach and up your performance level why not spend your daily commute trying to come up with new and compelling content and worrying about how many likes it’ll get? When in doubt: take a few selfies! Perfecting the angle and editing the shit out of them until your face is unrecognizable will make up at least forty five minutes of good old fashioned obsessing.
4. The Future of Humanity
You’ve seen Black Mirror and witnessed 2017 so you know the end is nigh, but how will it come about? And what are you doing to stop it? Overpopulation, global warming, men’s rights activists, lack of clean water, nuclear war, rogue black holes, global epidemics, the advent of Young Sheldon, artificial intelligence, ecosystem collapse, extraterrestrial invasion, biotech disaster, environmental toxins, food scarcity, Sino-American relations. Really seems like the Trump administration is playing with fire as it continues to question the “One-China” policy. Sure, they may not blow us up but, they may fuck up trade relations! And where do you think those bikinis you can’t fit into come from?… take your pick and worry the day away!
5. The way you pronounce “bagel”
It’s bagel, not bagel. Remember, bagel. Bagel…
6. Your partner (or lack thereof)
If you do have a partner, great! Is he or she new? What bad habits are you still trying to hide? That can’t go on forever. If it’s true love, try this: one day they are going to die and leave you all alone. If you don’t have a partner, let’s start with the obvious: why don’t you? Perhaps it’s because (and we’re just guessing here!) you’re an awful person who doesn’t know how to give or receive love. Let’s dig a little deeper: why is that? Probably because your parents weren’t able to provide a healthy model for long term relationships. Give that a mull over while you’re alone in bed late at night!
See? Life is too short to worry about your creeping cellulite, persistent body hair, and weird dry patches! If you do things right, you’ll be too concerned about all of the above to even leave the house. Remember: nobody’s perfect, least of all you!