MONTREAL – According to numerous reports, your closest gay friend, Erik Mitchell, is refusing to engage with you in any way until you have watched the latest episode of RuPaul’s Drag Race. Your only recent contact occurred when you saw Mitchell earlier today and he discovered that you were not up to date with the reality competition, telling you that, “You can talk to me when you’re ready to say what you thought of that lip sync, but until then, I need to be around people who share my values.” Witnesses report he then sashayed away.
“None of the gifs that I use to communicate will make sense any more!” explained Mitchell when reached for comment. “I can’t be friends with someone who is not. Keeping. Up!” he continued, emphasizing each of his final three words with a hand clap.
RuPaul’s Drag Race is a series of obscure product placements occasionally interrupted by a competitive reality show. The show, which seeks to crown America’s Next Drag Superstar, is considered a cultural touchstone that you somehow only discovered when season 8 was added to Netflix, “because I’ve somehow failed you as a friend” lamented Mitchell. “I’m not letting that happen again.”
Erik Mitchell, who has previously admonished you for not having seen Call Me By Your Name and not knowing the full lyrics to Rhythm Nation, is considered a close friend in spite of the fact that he has only ever talked to you about pop culture or himself. Your primary link as friends beyond media consumption is a shared love of getting wine-drunk and criticizing Uber drivers.
Despite having an entire week to sit down and watch the show, you have instead chosen to spend time with your dying grandmother, which, according to him, is no excuse. “Granny may have had some charisma, uniqueness, nerve and talent in her day,” Mitchell has pointed out, “but unless her big exit is in the form of a death drop, I’m not impressed.”
As of press time, Mitchell still can’t look at you but did insist “No T no shade.”