SAN FRANCISCO – Uber, the world-conquering ride share and regulation-dodging app, has taken the bold step of appointing its first ever female CEO: Ashlynn Haze, the company sex robot.
“We realized to maximize our market potential we had to appeal to a wider demographic,” said Travis Kalanick, co-founder and former CEO. “Star ratings don’t accurately convey the level of sexual predator a driver may be, so we knew we had to look like we cared about what women want.”
“Even after that, we found the toughest part was finding a suitable candidate. In all the interviews there was no human female who agreed with our definition of equality. We even presented a science-based manifesto!”
Kalanick paused to take a swig of organic energy drink Power-Brah and continued: “So we decided to look internally. We asked ourselves: ‘What female already working here do we have the healthiest relationship with?’ The answer was obvious! Plus, Ashlynn’s breasts are exact replicas of Jenna Jameson’s.”
In response to Uber’s initiative, Netflix has appointed Diane from Bojack Horseman as CTO, while AirBNB has created a “woman chair” on their board of directors that they will lease out for no more than 60 days per year.