“Jordan Peterson is the only YouTuber out there whose makeup tutorials are hour-long, weirdly Christian screeds that don’t teach you anything about how to apply makeup,” said social media doyenne Pamela Ritchie. “So you have to sort of reverse-engineer how he’s getting that gaunt, hollow look.”
Nevertheless, millions still tune in every week, hoping to learn just how Peterson manages to achieve his effortless internet-hatemonger chic .
“What’s his secret?” said Instagram star Melissa Chao, applying layer after layer of grey-green eyeshadow in preparation for a #GauntSelfie. “Is he tired? Strung-out? Just sort of rotting away from the inside as his hatred gnaws through him like the worm in a spoiled apple? I have to know how he does it.”