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Quiz: Which Game of Thrones sex game are my parents playing in their bedroom right now?

It’s the middle of the night, and, recently, my parents have been trying to find some ways of spicing up their marriage. They’re both pretty obsessed with Game of Thrones, so, I guess they figured that role-playing stuff from the show would be the perfect way to get their “intimacy” back on track. Unfortunately for me, I still live with them. This is really fucked up, guys. What are they even doing in there? Please, for the love of God, help me. Help me figure out which Game of Thrones sex game my parents are playing!

 

1. My parents have been pretty quiet up there for a while. I thought I heard something, but couldn’t make it out. What did I just hear my mom yell out because she mistakenly thinks I'm asleep in the other room?
“I WILL TAKE WHAT IS MINE IN FIRE AND BLOOD!!!”
“THE LANNISTERS SEND THEIR REGARDS!!!
“OH YEAH, FUCK ME, HIGH SPARROW!!
"YOU KNOW NOTHING JON SNOW!!!”
2. Earlier, I caught my dad pulling out a bunch of stuff from the costume shop down the street out of his trunk. What costume pieces did I see before he sheepishly hid them behind his back and said, “nothing!”?
A blond wig and a bunch of anal beads made to resemble dragon eggs
A sword, a metallic thong, and collar that says “Wildling Slut” on it
A mask of Max Von Sydow's face
Massive bottle of “Milk of the Poopy” numbing lube
3. Okay, they've been in their room for about forty minutes now and I'm almost entirely sure that I heard my dad speaking in a different language. I'm think I’m going to throw up, but before I do, which language is he attempting?
Dothraki
Valyrian
HODOR!
A hybrid of heavy breathing and grunting made to simulate a dragon in heat that really just sounds like he's trying too hard
4. We're about an hour-and-a-half into them going at it and I can hear everything. What's the one thing that I keep hearing over and over again, burrowing its way into my brain like a soon-to-be repressed memory or a tumour?
The bed knocking against the wall behind my head (did I mention that my bedroom is RIGHT beside theirs)?
My own inner monologue remarking at how impressive it is that my dad can even go for an hour and a half, considering his age
My mom saying, “Wow, it looks like you do know a thing or two, Jon Snow,” followed by piles of laughter. Honestly, I just think my mom wants to fuck Jon Snow, which is whatever, he's alright, I guess. There's just a lot of shit about Jon Snow being said. My dad is either humouring her or super into it, and either option I’m NOT OKAY WITH!
“That’s why they call me Little Finger!”
5. They're finally done and their marriage lives another day. I'm really not okay here. My mom comes in to check on me and possibly apologize for ruining my life. What does she say to me when she comes into my room?
Do you want a sandwich, honey?”
“When you play the Game of Thrones you either win, or you die.”
“Valar Morghulis.”
“You're awake?”
Quiz: Which Game of Thrones sex game are my parents playing in their bedroom right now?
A Lannister always pays her debts
Cersei Lannister, played by my mom, is unable to properly repay her brother, Jaime Lannister, played by my dad, for the incredible amount of service and devotion he has shown to her, and to King's Landing. She must therefore be instructed on how to properly pay for her eternal debt to her beloved brother. This one is super weird and opens an entire Pandora's Box of shit in my family. Fuck this. I'm staying at my friend Alex's house tonight. My therapist wants you guys to contact her in the morning. She says that the thought of your sex lives is really unhealthy for my psyche and that we need to have a family meeting. You can pay for my sessions by VISA or Mastercard, in person or over the phone. I don't care anymore. I just need the memory of you talking about dad's “Valyrian steel” out of my mind so that I can have a normal, healthy adult life. And thanks for ruining my favourite show, guys. Congrats on your 30th wedding anniversary, I guess.
Quiz: Which Game of Thrones sex game are my parents playing in their bedroom right now?
For the night is dark and full of terrors
Jon Snow, played by my dad, was just brought back to life by the Red Witch, Melisandre, played by my mom. His journey to the Otherworld was cold and unforgiving, so it's up to Melisandre to find her own way of coaxing the Night Watchman back to the land of living. Are you fucking kidding me, guys? There is some seriously heavy necrophilia in this one that is HELLA not cool. Necromancy is NOT hot, mom! Why did you even suggest this? Jesus Christ. My therapist wants you guys to contact her in the morning. She says that the thought of your sex lives is really unhealthy for my psyche and that we need to have a family meeting. You can pay for my sessions by VISA or Mastercard, in person or over the phone. I don't care anymore. I just need the memory of you talking about dad's “Valyrian steel” out of my mind so that I can have a normal, healthy adult life. And thanks for ruining my favourite show, guys. Congrats on your 30th wedding anniversary, I guess.
Quiz: Which Game of Thrones sex game are my parents playing in their bedroom right now?
Winter is Coming
Wise and beautiful Catelyn Stark, played by my mom, feels that a change is coming to Winterfell. As the days grow shorter, the winds become colder, and soon the snow will fall. It is then she knows that Winter, played by my dad, is coming... and will be coming again and again. I don't even know anymore, guys. I mean, points for creativity, but isn't this way too obscure a concept to be a thing? It's so fucking strange that this came up in your counselling sessions and honestly, the whole thing is making me feel weird. My therapist wants you guys to contact her in the morning. She says that the thought of your sex lives is really unhealthy for my psyche and that we need to have a family meeting. You can pay for my sessions by VISA or Mastercard, in person or over the phone. I don't care anymore. I just need the memory of you talking about dad's “Valyrian steel” out of my mind so that I can have a normal, healthy adult life. And thanks for ruining my favourite show, guys. Congrats on your 30th wedding anniversary, I guess.
Quiz: Which Game of Thrones sex game are my parents playing in their bedroom right now?
Mother of Dragons
Jorah Mormont (played by my dad), has really done it this time. He's betrayed his queen, Daenerys Targaryen (played by my mom) and destroyed the trust of her entire kingdom. He begs his queen for forgiveness and says that he will do ANYTHING to please her. She says he has to work for it, and that he will pay dearly for his shortcomings, both in and out of the bedroom. My therapist wants you guys to contact her in the morning. She says that the thought of your sex lives is really unhealthy for my psyche and that we need to have a family meeting. You can pay for my sessions by VISA or Mastercard, in person or over the phone. I don't care anymore. I just need the memory of you talking about dad's “Valyrian steel” out of my mind so that I can have a normal, healthy adult life. And thanks for ruining my favourite show, guys. Congrats on your 30th wedding anniversary, I guess.
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