SCARBOROUGH — Starting Tuesday, residents in Scarborough will be able to have their beer delivered straight to their door, saving them from having to go out into the barren suburban sprawl that they toil in.
“Getting beer delivered sure beats the old method,” beamed Scarborough resident David Smith. Smith went on to describe how he normally takes a bus to “some godforsaken plaza” so he can wait for another bus that takes him to “a second godforsaken plaza with a Beer Store.”
The community of Scarborough, which residents lovingly describe as “basically Bowling Alleys, No Frills, and The Zoo”, is part of a limited pilot project, according to Beer Store District Manager Mario Di Paolo.
“Research over the next few months will help us determine if similar communities will benefit from our humanitarian service,” Di Paolo told reporters, “How much better can we make life for the citizens of Scarborough? Would home delivery ease the ennui of living in a Matrix-like ocean of identical subdivisions? Would it make it less stressful to back into narrow parking lot plazas that must have been designed by a malevolent sadist? Or would it simply help citizens get drunk enough to ignore that weird smell at Parkway Mall?”
Di Paolo revealed provincial officials had initially planned to make Beer Stores more accessible to Scarborough by placing them inside subways stops. “But then we realized that the Scarborough subway is decades away, if it ever actually gets built.” Di Paolo added, “Yet another reason the people of Scarborough need home beer delivery, now.”
Residents in Scarborough have been receptive to the idea, holding a town hall to brainstorm ways the new beer delivery service could improve their self-soothing techniques.
“We could drink ‘til we forget all our problems,” suggested secretary, Gladys Jones, “We could drink ‘til we actually like bowling.”
As of reporting, Downtown Toronto residents were scoffing at the idea of living in the suburbs, whilst walking to their nearest Beer Store with their seven roommates.