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Famine demands Colin Kaepernick “stick to sports”

MOGADISHU, SOMALIA- In response to news that NFL quarterback Colin Kaepernick has been instrumental in securing a 60-ton cargo jet and over $1 million in aid to fight the ongoing famine in Somalia, Famine itself has advised that the former San Francisco 49er “stick to sports.”

“I just think it’s tacky,” said the third horseman of the apocalypse, steadying his emaciated steed on the jagged precipice of an ominous cliff overlooking creation. “It’s like, stay in your lane.”

A controversial figure for taking a knee throughout The Star-Spangled Banner before games to protest the systemic oppression of people of colour, Kaepernick is no stranger to demands that he stay out of matters beyond the field. But with his recent efforts to provide relief to the Somali crisis, his disapproving chorus of pundits and internet commenters has now been joined by the spectral embodiment of hunger and despair.

“We pay these football players millions of dollars to do three things: Play football, stand during anthems, and sit idly by as starvation ravages Eastern Africa. I guess that’s not good enough for some people,” explained Famine, rolling its sunken eyes condescendingly. “As far as I’m concerned, rich loudmouths like Kaepernick who have been afforded power and influence need to use that platform to shut up and focus on reading the defence.”

“Also the Niners went 2-14 last season and he still hasn’t been snapped up from free agency so, y’know, maybe worry about that,” Famine added mockingly as it observed Kaepernick helping to direct critical food and water to millions of Somalis.

Famine has also rejected accusations that its ire toward Kaepernick is personal, given the fact that he’s challenging a system from which Famine benefits directly. “I know War thinks I’m just being salty, but I seem to remember a certain someone who wouldn’t stop writing angry letters to the Dixie Chicks back in the day.”

“Look, it’s as simple as this: I don’t try to play football, because I weigh 90 pounds soaking wet and I’m the personification of a concept,” added Famine. “So YOU don’t come over and mess with MY thing.”

Famine’s other two cohorts, Pestilence and Death, could not be reached for comment as they are “still sleeping off 2016.”

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