Season pass to Whistler/Blackcomb discounted to blood sacrifice, eternal damnation, 12 white rhino horns - The Beaverton

Season pass to Whistler/Blackcomb discounted to blood sacrifice, eternal damnation, 12 white rhino horns

, BC — In a bid to make their more accessible, Whistler/Blackcomb has decided to lower the price of their season pass from three kidneys, four virgins, and the head of a weary Kazak to a special rate of one blood sacrifice, eternal damnation, and twelve white rhino horns — a move that management has dubbed “the bargain of the century.”

The resort decided to roll-out the new discounted pass to cater to both “young professionals” and “dukes of all ages.” As Whistler/Blackcomb CEO Daniel Monroe explained, “Last year’s season was a little underwhelming in terms of attendance. While we had our regular clientele of extravagantly wealthy fat men who asked to be languidly rolled down the mountain, we feel that we failed in reaching out to the younger, more sinister billionaires of today.” Monroe continued, “These younger oligarchs simply don’t have the cattle, kidneys, or virgins that the world’s older billionaires see as part and parcel of being a monarchical despot.”

Staff members of the resort have already noticed the effects of the discount. “Usually we host a bunch of moustachioed old men with man servants and crates of jewels,” ski-lift operator Bruce James explained, “But this year we’ve seen a much hipper crowd. We’ve had ten Saudi Princes, Martin Shkreli, and that guy who runs Uber. This crowd doesn’t even have man-servants, they just have a bunch of people they call ‘slaves’. It’s pretty avant garde.”

Of course, Whistler/Blackcomb was somewhat worried that the mountain’s luxury brand would take a hit by lowering the cost of a season pass. However, the mountain’s management feels they have hit a nice balance between unaffordable and extremely unaffordable.

As explained by Monroe, “We basically wanted to hit a price point that would allow us to reach new and exciting clientele while maintaining our reputation of staunch and an all consuming vitriolic hatred of the proletariat, non-billionaires, and people who live in Squamish. I feel we succeeded and we are looking forward to seeing much more customers this year!”