"
"
"

McGill students endorse plan to battle fascism by punching Jews

MONTREAL – Yesterday the Students’ Society of University voted to support a representative’s calls to combat the growing tide of alt-right sentiment and neo-fascist rhetoric by tracking down and violently assaulting them.

“In this era of heightened racial tensions, it’s important to single out people who we assume are anti-Palestinian, solely on the basis of their religion, and whether or not they went on a Birthright trip,” explain executive Randall Simeon. “If they happen to be Jewish, so be it.”

The student society not only refused to condemn a tweet from a representative encouraging people to “punch a Zionist today,” but also drafted a resolution calling on the SSMU to condemn Jewish members. The plan includes measures to round them up in a line, and one by one, punch, kick, and pull their hair until they admit they are part of a world-wide Zionist conspiracy to spread Judeo-Christian law throughout the West.

is the most insidious form of today,” Simeon, the first year sociology major went on to say. “If the establishment of a Jewish state after World War II taught us anything, it’s that Jews don’t know what it’s like to be an oppressed people. Anyone who supports Israel’s right to exist deserves to be physically accosted.”

While Simeon acknowledges that many Jews are indeed pro-Palestinian, he maintains that if they don’t want to get punched, they shouldn’t associate with Zionist tyrants by being in the same religion.

In a statement to its student body, the SSMU defended the vote: “In a time of rising Islamophobia it’s important, now more than ever, to take a stand against Neo-Nazism by marginalizing Jews on campus.”

The student government’s other proposals to stamp out hate include making people who express views different to theirs identify themselves by wearing a gold star, and smashing in the windows of students that harbor Conservative voters.

Want hilarious satire you can listen to? Check out The Beaverton Weekly Report podcast here