WASHINGTON D.C. – Despite arranging themselves strategically around the oval office desk, and posturing their hands in a shielding fashion, Donald Trump and the majority of his cabinet were unable to keep their hate-boners concealed while signing an anti-abortion executive order.
“Is it embarrassing, getting a public boner like this? Sure, but come on. We’re only human,” explained Senior Advisor Jared Kushner as he moved his binder over his crotch. “Garbage. Human garbage.”
The bill, dubbed the Global Gag Rule or Mexico City Policy, will prevent US foreign aid going to any organization that counsels women on abortion, family planning, or sexual health. Sources say that Trump’s cabinet actually ran into the oval office to sign the bill, with each man’s erection reaching peak as Trump crossed the “T” on his signature.
Chief strategist Steve Bannon went on to add that it was unfair to expect every man in the room to be able to avoid the deep, angry arousal that can only come from infringing on the rights of women.
“You can’t ask me to hurt another human being and not get turned on,” he moaned sweatily.
Vice President Mike Pence, who could be heard muttering “fuckfuckfuckfuck” under his breath between growls as the bill was signed, tried to change the subject to condemn the protests that took place over the weekend.
“You can never prove that we have anything against–” he stammered, a vein throbbing in his forehead, before choking out the word: “women.”
White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer chided the media and public for attempting to shame the cabinet’s erections.
“It is absolutely terrible that the media would body shame the Cabinet, especially when they were in a safe space – the Oval Office. Now I understand what those women were marching about this weekend.”
One unnamed cabinet minister was not celebrating, having just received a text from his mistress with a baby emoji followed by a surprise face. His attempts to knock the pen out of Trump’s tiny hands proved unsuccessful.