KINCARDINE, ON – Finding no other suitable options, Ontario Power Generation has offered to pay 50% of local man, Fred MacKenzie’s, electricity bill as long as they’re able to keep waste from the nearby Bruce Power nuclear power generation station at his residence.
“After looking at last month’s hydro bill I was ready to accept anything,” said MacKenzie, an auto mechanic by trade. “I didn’t even have to read the release form.”
“It was either this or live in perpetual darkness,” he added.
Located less than a kilometer from Lake Huron, Fred’s property will have concrete silos installed on his lawn containing expired rods of uranium 235, which, he says, will make a solid foundation for the tree house he wants to build for his kids.
As for potential ionizing radiation leaks, MacKenzie says he’s not worried, theorizing his body has already built up a tolerance from years of standing in front of the microwave he can now afford to run.
“We’re glad that Mr. MacKenzie will be the first in our civilian nuclear waste storage pilot program,” said Grant Williamson spokesperson for Ontario Power Generation.
“This is by far the most effective means to store this highly dangerous material for the next hundred or so generations. Plus, both Fred and Ontario Power save a bundle!”
Other proposed nuclear waste storage sites include Bill’s house, who owns a local bar, and Irene’s house, who teaches at the nearby high school.