OTTAWA – Realizing they could finally become unstoppable, evil twins from coast-to-coast have shaved their once tell-tale goatees, making them completely indistinguishable from their loveable and innocent counterparts.
Authorities urge caution, saying the move allows the sinister dopplegangers to now easily blend into wider society to wreak havoc under the guise of their identical sibling, while admitting that it’s surprising the evil twins didn’t think of doing this long ago.
“I always knew my evil twin was out there somewhere, up to no good,” said Chairman of The National Good Twin Association addressing the media.
“But now he looks just like me, and his intentions are nefarious. If you see him let me know immediately so I can take care of the problem,” he said while the whole nation wondered, “Wait, or is he the evil one?”
Psychologists say male evil twins typically wear goatees because they’re ultimately badasses, who don’t care about the rules, while female evil twins generally opt to grow out their bangs.
Now law enforcement officials say all 150,000 evil twins on file have coordinated, apparently choosing now for their revenge, by purchasing scissors, shaving cream and razors in the last 24 hours.
“The public should be watchful and should not let anyone they know to be a twin into their homes,” said RCMP Special Agent Gregor Nesmith at an emergency press conference.
“And that goes especially for my wife at home,” he added.
“Honey, if I come home tonight, it’s definitely Damien. Shoot him on sight. Especially if he says he’s me. He’s not me. I’m me,” he said as everyone watching thought, “or is he just trying to get rid of his good twin?”
Experts say evil twins are generated during childbirth when the first twin becomes irrationally jealous of their genetic double who vies for their mother’s affections. Ways to tell if a twin is evil include pentagram tattoos, gnarly looking scars over their back from a childhood fire, dressing all in black, a birthmark in the shape of three sixes, speaking in a British accent, having excellent posture or being overheard cackling when they think no one is a around.
The latest word from the Association of Morally Ambiguous Triplets – the ones who everyone agrees aren’t bad, but frankly aren’t all that great either – is that they’re all still wearing their gross soul patches.
