Burlington, Vermont – Presidential hopeful Bernie Sanders is remaining in the Democratic Primary race despite the little chance he has at winning so he can continue to inspire a bright-eyed college student.
“I’m only doing this for Tyler,” Sanders told supporters about the white, third year political science student, Tyler Wesley, who studies at Vermont’s Middlebury College. “We’re going to see this thing through all the way to Philadelphia! We’re not going to let him down!”
Wesley has been following and supporting the Sanders campaign for six months now. He has engaged in rigorous debate with Hillary Clinton supporters, shared every ‘Feel the Bern’ memes on his Facebook page, and dominated his American Foreign Policy seminar with his strong opinions on crypto-fascism, blood-hungry corporations and NAFTA.
“I’ve got to keep inspiring this upper-middle class youngster from New England despite all odds,” added Sanders who has spent millions of dollars into further dividing the Democratic Party. “I want him to know that, one day, people like Tyler, the son of a dentist and an accountant, could become President.”
Wesley had been cynical about the Presidential candidates until he saw a video of Sanders confronting Wal-Mart executives about the poor pay their workers receive last year. Although Wesley has never worked at a Wal-Mart or any other minimum wage position in his life, he was moved.
“He really knows how to stick it to the Man,” explained Wesley. “Clinton supporters are idiots who don’t know she’s just another corporate hack working for the military industrial complex. She’s worse than Donald Trump. Down with the Establishment!”
If Sanders were to succeed in becoming President, Wesley says he plans on spending his parent’s money they save from free college tuition on backpacking through Europe and expanding his collection of ironic t-shirts.
With files from Sarah Sahagian