OTTAWA – During question period today, interim leader of the Conservative Party Rona Ambrose used her time to feed a live goat to several dozen ravenous Tory backbenchers.
“We are not to be underestimated,” said Ambrose as the goat spun lazily, supported 30ft in the air by a creaking rope. “You cross us at your own peril.”
Observers say that the goat then bleated once, seemingly ignorant of its certain fate, before Ambrose began to slowly lower the animal.
“Mr. Speaker, I would like to take this opportunity to remind the current government that it has been weeks since my babies were fed,” hollered Ambrose to a House of Commons that was deathly silent, except for the metallic clink-clink-clink of the winch’s gears. “They are hungry for democracy!”
“Among other things.”
Ambrose then used a large club to beat the raised metal sides of the pit, making a booming noise that seemed to immediately aggravate the waiting MPs. Horrified onlookers report that the prowling legislators became so frenzied with anticipation that Harold Albrecht (Kitchener-Conestoga) was torn to shreds before the goat had even completed half its descent.
“Mr. Speaker, I believe question period is for questions,” said Finance Minister Bill Morneau as Ambrose silently donned a leather apron and facemask. “And this display of partisan bullying isn’t really in the spirit of… of…”
Morneau then trailed off after realizing that the goat had suddenly started struggling, eliciting a horrible, excited screeching noise from the pit. Observers say neither Ambrose, nor the transfixed assembly, seemed to have heard his question.
At press time, her deed done, Ambrose had tossed a raw steak to a whining Jason Kenney.
