Swiss Chalet acquires St. Hubert to streamline torture of nation's chickens - The Beaverton

Swiss Chalet acquires St. Hubert to streamline torture of nation’s chickens

MONTREAL — has announced that their $537 million acquisition of will make the cruel and unusual treatment endured by Canada’s poultry much more efficient.

“Instead of purchasing abused poultry from several distributors, we can now obtain most of our broilers from three mega farms,” explained Cara CEO Bill Gregson. “Without competing against one another, Swiss Chalet and St. Hubert chains can get horribly maimed chickens for a better price.”

According to Cara, it used to cost 3 cents to mistreat a broiler in its short, 32 day life, but now it can be done for just 2 cents.

“With the added savings, the deal paves the way for upgrading new bird torture and killing technology and innovation throughout the country,” Gregson added. “We’re really pushing the boundaries on how ruthless we can be to a flightless, five pound bird.”

According to sources, Parti Quebecois Leader was demanding St. Hubert special sauce becomes a protected cultural item and the secret ingredients remains in Quebec hands.

With files from Pat Dussault