CIBOLO CREEK RANCH, TX – U.S. Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia was ruled dead by officials in west Texas this weekend, in what experts and colleagues agree is unquestionably the most popular verdict of the 79 year-old’s career.
“From his almost irrational disdain for same-sex marriage, to his barely concealed contempt for women’s reproductive rights, to his callous disregard for black lives, we didn’t agree on much,” admitted fellow Justice Ruth Bader-Ginsberg. “But Justice Scalia has my complete and unequivocal support in his decision to block his own right to continue living.”
Scalia was found lying unconscious in his hotel room at a 5-star hunting resort northwest of El Paso. His eldest son, Eugene, called it a fitting end to his life and legal legacy.
“We take tremendous consolation in knowing that Dad died as he lived,” he said in a statement. “Enjoying tremendous luxury at the expense of minorities and the working poor.”
