GREY PEAK, AB – After thirteen years as custodian of the historic Everwatch Inn, Gerald Davis is fed up with cleaning the rivulets of human blood that constantly seep from the hotel’s walls
“Great,” said Davis, as fresh crimson streams began to splutter their way down the walls of the ballroom. “I guess I’ll just spend another sixty dollars on bleach this month.”
Constructed on the site of an asylum for orphans, which was constructed on the site of a Japanese internment camp, which was constructed on the site of several massacres, the Everwatch Inn is a national historic site.
“Mister Davis has attempted to install drainage gutters for the blood on several occasions,” said Parks Canada’s Dale Qaumaniq, during a masquerade ball in the room of strange mirrors. “We feel this would alter the historic character of the hotel.”
“Please, please, I want to stop dancing, but It won’t allow me,” Qaumaniq added.
Other challenges facing the Inn’s janitor include vacuuming the hair carpet, sweeping up the bits of dead flesh that get dropped by the corpse lady in room 327, and taping shut the mouths in the walls of the screaming room.
“Look, if playwrights want to come here and murder their families, then whatever, they’ve got to do it somewhere,” Davis said. “But does it always have to be the axe? Just once, can’t it be a nice, tidy strangulation?”
At press time, reporters noticed someone who bore an eerie resemblance to Davis grumpily mopping in the background of a photograph taken in 1920.
