OTTAWA– A Federal Court judge has sought to overturn decades of precedent and statute by relying on the centuries old Bro Code.
Justice Robin Camp, who until his appoint to the Federal Court in June 2015, served as a trial judge in Calgary where he applied the Bro Code in a 2014 sexual assault decision. The decision challenged the recent social trend of prosecuting rape.
“I am no judicial hero I simply dared ask the question most never thought to consider: why did the complainant allow the sex to happen if she didn’t want it,” said Justice Camp, speaking to reporters on Tuesday. “It’s really that simple. Back in my day we didn’t have any of this fandangled assault nonsense. We knew a woman wanted to have sex because she was a woman, and she was there. This is why I chose to apply the first doctrine of the Bro Code, Bros Before Hoes.”
He concluded, “I’d give that dude a slap on the back if I could.”
When reached for comment, the prosecutor stated that she was relieved that Justice Camp, perhaps the greatest judicial mind of his time, heard the case. “I know now that if a complainant comes forwards I should begin by asking her if she bothered to close her legs, or sink her ass in the nearest toilet before choosing to press charges.
“I don’t know why I didn’t think to prepare the complainant to answer these important questions before she took the stand. But, hey, this must be why we we leave these big posts like judgeships and prime minister to the men.”
Justice Camp was appointed by former Minister of Justice Peter MacKay on the eve of the federal election. MacKay famously relied on the Bros Before Hoes legal principle himself when he gave his male friends and colleagues ninety per cent of available federal judicial appointments.
The Bro Code is an ancient text relied on since time immemorial by Fraternities, the Old Boys Club, and men the world over to maintain social order. Other laws under the Bro Code include a prohibition on accepting calls from your girlfriend when out with the boys, mandatory first proffer of the last beer in the fridge to your host, and a statute of limitations on mocking a buddy for bedding a six.