WATERLOO, ON — With only a week left before the election, Stephen Harper’s Conservatives are trying hard to find new voters and alienate them with their statements and policies filled with prejudice.
Candidates and volunteers have been giving it their all by saying things that are incendiary, nasty and downright racist to almost every type of people.
“Frankly, I’m impressed that we’re still polling in the high 20s,” explained Lynton Crosby, Harper’s campaign advisor. “We’ve made sure we’ve gone after Muslims, women, public servants, retirees, veterans, scientists, artists, immigrants, environmentalists and refugees. Oh, and let’s not forget about First Nations; we completely ignored them on this campaign.”
The Tories have even managed to estrange some of their base by assuming they’re a one issue voter based on religion.
“We instructed our candidates to mention ‘Israel’ over and over again while canvassing in Jewish neighbourhoods. That’s all they needed to know.”
Still, the Conservative Party remains convinced that there are some voters out there who have yet to be ostracized from their campaign messaging.
“There’s an outside chance that we haven’t handed all the votes to the other parties, so our focus this week will be on the Irish and bird watchers.”