CALGARY — In what authorities are calling a rare instance of spontaneous human combustion, Multiculturalism Minister Jason Kenney burst into flames upon hearing the Federal Court of Appeal will permit a woman wearing a niqab to take an oath of citizenship.
Kenney had just finished a speech condemning un-Canadian activities when a staffer had whispered into his ear that the government had lost its case to restrict a woman from wearing a face-veil to become a full Canadian citizen. To the surprise of onlookers, Kenney was immediately consumed by fire.
“We tried to put the fire out, but that only made things worse,” explained an anonymous campaign worker. “He kept saying ‘Niqabi! We must destroy the niqabi!’ during the immolation.”
Alberta’s Coroner said that Kenney burned up quicker given his high level of resentment and irritability towards debates on terrorism and immigration.
“It appears that the victim had reached a maximum contempt level for other human beings,” explained Tammy Shabaz, Chief Medical Examiner of Alberta. “There’s only so much anger the body can sustain before it becomes a literal powder keg waiting to go off. The same thing happened to Vic Toews when gay marriage was passed in 2005.”
Kenney leaves behind his favourite collection of Bibles and many angry, old-stock supporters.