Cosmopolitan magazine publishes last-known sex tip - The Beaverton
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Cosmopolitan magazine publishes last-known sex tip

NEW YORK CITY — Last week, the popular women’s finally exhausted the world’s known collection of sex tips.

Since the late 60s, Cosmo has published a list of sex tips in almost every issue sold. The tips have ranged over the years from simple suggestions like indulging in aphrodisiacs to more eccentric tips like putting a donut around a man’s penis and eating it off.

As the magazine ran down the list of the world’s possible known sex tips, the tips became increasingly eccentric: advising women to lick their man’s Adam’s apple; mimic the calls of tropical wildlife; or dress up like 19th century matadors.

A precious finite resource, the tips have finally run out. Cosmo’s editor in chief, Melissa Breckall said the wildly unregulated release of sex tips in each issue is partly to blame. “80 tips in one issue? 124 in the next? Then, 12 for some reason? We were all over the place. It was very irresponsible,” she said.

The final sex tip, Cosmo sex tip #9,348,750 went as follows:

“First dress up as a farmer. Tell your man he’s your bonnie Bessie and he’s about to get milked. Then, squeeze your hands into tight, tight fists and lightly pummel his testicles like a small punching bag. Follow up with some role-play. Call your man by a different name like ‘Hank’ or ‘Francisco Scaramanga’. Spray glitter glue all around your pelvis. Then, give your man a blowjob.”

Cosmo wrote in a note to readers that this was the last known configuration of sex tip in human existence and that they plan to replace the feature with different pictures of pies.