OTTAWA – Bill C-36, the Conservative government’s proposed prostitution bill, will seek to define sex as “gross,” “terrifying” and “something only mommies and daddies should do when absolutely necessary.”
When it was introduced in May, Bill C-36 was accused of having a purposefully broad and unclear definition of “sex.” This week a Senate hearing saw three days of testimony from Conservative lawmakers, who finally clarified their definition of sex as being “when two people touch their bums together I’m pretty sure.”
The bill also adds, “And, their privates might even touch. Ewwwwwww gross.”
Should it pass, Bill C-36 would also enshrine in Canadian law the fact that sex is “dirty, shameful, baffling, titillating,” and “weird.”
“For the purpose of our bill, ‘sex’ refers to when two people get naked and kiss like they do in the movies,” explained Federal Justice Minister Peter MacKay.
“You see, when two Canadians want to make a baby, they enter into a ‘special hug,’ which is an important, albeit terrifying, reality of life,” MacKay continued while visibly sweating. “But would you believe, there are some women out there who want to sell special hugs, but not make any babies with them?”
The Minister then abruptly ended the press conference so he could dry heave into a bucket.
Human rights groups have voiced concerns that this law and its vague definitions could drive sex workers further underground and continue to deny them legal protection.
“Good! That sounds great to me,” said Conservative Senator Donald Plett. “Ideally, we just want this whole filthy sex thing to go away forever, so that we don’t even have to think about a boy sticking his penis – his sex penis – into a girl’s… Um, nose? I don’t know! No further questions.”
Reached for comment, Prime Minister Stephen Harper responded, “If a chastity belt is good enough for me, it’s good enough for the nation’s prostitutes.”
