ALBERTA – In an attempt to win over the youthful protest groups throughout Canada and the USA, today the TransCanada Corporation announced a new massive halfpipe line and accompanying skatepark.
“We get you kids,” said TransCanada CEO Russ Girling. “We know that you’d rather be doing kickflips and ollies and not listening to your parents. You need to focus on getting a date and buying some cool ‘weed’, you don’t have time to worry about climate change and dangerous free radicals.”
“Emphasis on the ‘radical’.”
TransCanada believes the half-pipeline, with a projected completion date in July, would provide a fun, possibly environmentally friendly place for kids and teens to skate their summers away, instead of wasting their time protesting totally legitimate and profitable oil sands projects.
“Keystone totally rules!” said legendary skater Tony Hawk in a completely spontaneous, statement. “Maybe I’ll just hang out here all summer and talk to any cool, petroleum-friendly adolescents who are willing to agree to a gag order.”
While skateboarding activists have decried the proposed Keystone halfpipe line as “needlessly dangerous” and “really slippery”, Girling was quick to tout its long-term benefits.
“Skateboarding is all about speed, and what could possibly be faster than a skateboarding ramp coated in fresh crude oil?” When questioned about reports of numerous injuries that have allegedly already occurred during skateboarder testing of the halfpipe, Girling simply replied, “Cowabunga!”
The halfpipe line was conceived after other youth based initiatives, including a YouTube video featuring a nude Kate Upton and Ryan Gosling covered in crude oil, product placement in the new Transformers movie, and a campaign slogan of “oil, use it ironically!” failed to attract support.