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Ryerson University: The Beaverton University Reviews

Name:

Nickname: Dave

Motto: “The best education you can get in a mall”

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In 1852 at the core of the present main campus, the historic St. James Square, Egerton Ryerson founded Ontario’s first teacher training facility, the Toronto Normal School. This came several years after the failure of Ryerson’s first project, the Toronto Weird school. Among the courses of study that failed to draw students to the Weird School were a master’s in Christmas Disco, a philosophical doctorate in *high pitched squealing noise, of the type you would expect a small animal to make if you began to crush it in a wine press* and a magical bachelor’s in Blah-blah-blooby-blah-humble-bumble-Flooby-Doo.

Although the Weird School was an unmitigated disaster, many of the wacky theories and double-wacky values behind it are still at work at Ryerson University. For example, Ryerson claims to be a leader in applied, career-centric education as if “careers” are a thing that didn’t disappear when the recession hit in 2008.

The Ryerson Institute of Technology was founded in 1948, although what kind of technology did they even have in 1948? Rocks? Things that you bashed with rocks? Sounds dumb to us. Suck on it, 1948! 21st century for life! [flips both middle fingers at the 20th century]

Since then, Ryerson University has just been a place where bros and bristers can hang out, chill out, relax, and just fucking hang the fuck out!

Some people wonder if there’s a funny story about how Ryerson University got the nickname ‘Dave’. The answer is, yes, and the funny story is that it is quicker to say ‘Dave’ than ‘Ryerson University’.

Pros:

– Nationally renowned film program gives the tools you’ll need to become the seminal director of your generation, just like the other 290 students in your class.

– The Ryerson Endowment Fund invests in only the most globally-conscious, sustainable and community-minded companies, like Nike, Enbridge and Bloodpoison Ltd.

– The Eaton Centre is next door if you want to buy some overpriced, low quality clothing, be surrounded by thousands of perpetually annoyed shoppers or if you just want to kick back and relax with some overpriced, low quality food while surrounded by thousands of perpetually annoyed shoppers.

– Will probably be roommates with some dudes who nickname themselves “The Bong Squad”

Cons:

– For a school with such excellent Media programs, the Eyeopener and Ryersonian are two of the most poorly named student newspapers in the country (although, who are we to talk).

– As most of Ryerson’s residences are apartment buildings, there are no RAs or Dons, only squat, greasy landlords who like to tell you how pretty you look and have screaming fights with their wives at, like, two in the goddamn morning.

– The “Chang” in “Chang School of Continuing Education is actually an acronym for “Cougars Hunting Adolescent, Nubile Gentlemen”. Hmm. This might not actually belong in the ‘cons’ section. I guess it depends on your opinion on cougars. Rawr! [swiping claw gesture, like that of a cat]

– Last year’s valedictorian was just somebody who had gotten lost in the Eaton Centre four years earlier. His graduation address, “Where am I? How do I get to the subway from here? Please, somebody, anybody, give me a straight answer!” was very well received.

Did You Know?

… That the Jack Astor’s near campus is hiring, if you’re the sort of person that looks good in low-lighting?

…That since the University took over Maple Leaf Gardens as its athletic facility, every single one of Ryerson’s sports teams have choked at every single possible opportunity?

…That, until 2010, the Ted Rogers School of Management was named the Skydome School of Management?

…That the downtown location means you’ll never have to worry about trivial things like ‘silence’, ‘personal space’, and ‘not being grabbed and shaken by that one really aggressive street preacher’?

Famous Alumni: 

Christie Blatchford, Columnist whose existence is the biggest possible condemnation of the Ryerson journalism program.

David James Elliot, the guy from JAG. You know, JAG! You remember? Your Gramma used to love that show, may she rest in peace!

Nia Vardalos, Writer and star of My Big Fat Greek Wedding, My Big Fat Greek Vehicle for Andrea Martin, and JAG (Judge Advocate Greek-wedding)