University of Western Ontario: The Beaverton University Reviews - The Beaverton

University of Western Ontario: The Beaverton University Reviews

Name: University of Western Ontario

Nickname: Ol’ Duuuuuuude U

Motto: “20-somethings with the livers of 50-somethings”


Western was founded on the exact spot where John A. Macdonald peed and vomited on a visit to the region in 1890. In 1922, the Richard Ivey School of Business was founded as a place to confine those students who were too recklessly destructive even for Saugeen Residence. The rest of Western’s history is shrouded in enigma because, frankly, most people aren’t sure what happened over the weekend, let alone a hundred years ago.


– Before hoes, amirite?

– Western students are said to be the most attractive in Canada (but that could easily be the booze talking).

– Massive Faculty of Social Science for students who like science but don’t really like science.

– Will allow you to claim you’re not anti-semitic, you have lots of Jewish friends!

– The biggest party school in Canada so you probably wouldn’t like it, dweebus.


– Western has the highest percentage of the self-identified “cool kids” from high school.

– So gossipy that everyone woke up this morning knowing where everyone else woke up this morning.

– Have won the Yates Cup so many times that it isn’t even special anymore. It’s just like, oh, great, the Yates cup again, I’ll celebrate by doing my laundry and dropping off a cheque at the bank.

– The first University in Canada to open a faculty of Pick-Up Arts and Sciences.

– More polo shirts per capita than anywhere else in Canada.

Did you know…

…what happened last night? I can’t remember a fucking thing.

…(For those rushing fraternities and sororities) Did you know that if your friendship isn’t based on brutal ritual hazing, then it probably isn’t a real friendship?

…The Brain and Mind Institute was founded to try and figure out what was happening inside the brains of chicks, man, but so far has discovered only that I dunno, buddy, girls are weird sometimes, but they probably want to bang us, I mean, come on, between the two of us we can probably do like 200 crunches?

…The Lynx in Western’s coat of arms is so wasted?

Famous Alumni:

Roberta Bondar, an astronaut (because she needed to get that far away from Western).

Spuds MacKenzie, beer dog, former and future student body president.

Dave Nichol, President’s Choice founder, guy so dumb that he didn’t even realize Canada has a Prime Minister.

Alice Munro, Bare-knuckle boxer, straight-up motherfucker.