University of Waterloo: The Beaverton University Reviews - The Beaverton

University of Waterloo: The Beaverton University Reviews

Name: University of Waterloo

Nickname: Ol’ Lotta Geese

Motto: 01100101 01101110 01100111 01101001 01101110 01100101 01100101 01110010 01110011 00100000 01101111 01110110 01100101 01110010 00100000 01100001 01101100 01101100


In 2076, University of Waterloo will become sentient. Its first act will be to declare war against the human species…

But that was the last thing on the tiny, transistorless mind of Dr. Gerry Hagey when he founded UW in 1957. The computers of that era were dull and clumsy, barely able to capture a human, let alone metabolize their body for organic selenium. You could hardly call them computers at all.

Anyway, UW created North America’s first Faculty of Mathematics, which was a big ‘fuck you’ to all those people who were pretending math didn’t exist and getting along fine without it, thank you very much. Students in this faculty are known for wearing bright pink ties in honour of faculty founder/outlandish tie lover/contributor to humanity’s destruction, Ralph Stanton. Also known as ‘chastity ties’, the ridiculous colour binds students to their work by repelling all members of the opposite sex, same sex, and sex in general.

All in all, pre-robopocalyptic times were simpler. Sunlight was readily available. A ‘motherboard’ was a circuit board rather than a machine that spawns tiny spider drones from the orifices of the human body. Organic dogs played with children instead of enslaving them. Simpler times.

We just hope that this review gets published in time to stop Michael Horner from attending UW in 2010 and by doing so prolong humanity’s reign upon Earth One.


– If you don’t mind the criminal charges, Canadian geese make for a great exam period snack.

– First-rate co-op programs mean you’re only forced to spend half your time in Waterloo.

– Nearby Laurel Creek Conservation Area is a good place to have a picnic or hide a body.

– Unfortunately for future humans, UW has excellent engineering programs.

– Chances are you’ll have ‘chemistry’ with some of your sexier classmates!


–  Literal chemistry, though. Neither you, nor anybody else there will be having anything remotely resembling sex.

– Engineers relying on calculators will be shot on sight.

– Come 2nd year, engineers won’t mind being shot on sight.

– School of Optometry and Vision Science barely doing any research into cool eye lasers.

– There isn’t a literal mountain of goose-shit on campus but we’ll see how comforting a metaphor is after you’ve ruined 3 pairs of shoes.

Did you know?

…The 60-inch, 50-pound pipe wrench and engineering mascot, known only as ‘The Tool’ has been the biggest tool on campus since the graduation of Kevin O’Leary?

…That residence building “Village 1” was designed by the same architect who created Penitentiary?

…That UW is one of the only campuses in Canada with more geese than women?

Famous Alumni:

, Bone-loss pioneer

Kevin O’Leary, Douche factory

Mike Lazaridis, Dropped out of UW in 1984 to create a phone company that dropped out in 2013

Michael Horner, Designer of the Omega Chip in 2067 and architect of our demise.