Dr. Abraxas’ University for Students Who Definitely Don’t Have Mutant Powers: University Reviews 2013 - The Beaverton

Dr. Abraxas’ University for Students Who Definitely Don’t Have Mutant Powers: University Reviews 2013

Name: Doctor Abraxas’ University for Students Who Definitely Don’t Have Mutant Powers

Nickname: Ol’ Normal

Motto: “It is just a coincidence that government agents develop headaches when they get too close


Founded by Doctor Abraxas a coincidentally short amount of time after the end of the Mutant war, the unusual name was chosen to make sure nobody thought that there were mutants at the school. This was so that the government did not come and shoot all the students who, once again, really, really do not have mutant powers, I mean, that is ridiculous, everyone knows that all of the mutants were rightly and justifiably put down by the government.

The university was constructed from materials that just happen to be able to withstand an assault by government guardian-bots. You know, the robots that keep us safe from mutants. Again, we cannot stress enough that this is a coincidence. Ironmantium was on sale at the Home Depot and Dr. Abraxas has a near-psychic ability to track down deals.

Despite its human student body, the school has frequently been the source of controversy. In 2003, it was nearly shut down by Senator Kelly, who thankfully changed his mind around the same time he got blue skin, orange hair and stopped wearing clothing. In 2009, the school came under fire for disappearing along with all its students but Dr. Abraxas told us in a soft but commanding voice that it was just a fire drill and then everyone simultaneously and coincidentally went to sleep, which was very nice.


– No mutants here, haha!

– Professor Tempest somehow always knows exactly when it’s going to rain, probably because of how smart she is, or radar instruments or something?

– Professor Badger and Professor One-Eye often battle each other in the halls. Like… regular human-style battles.

– Students get awesome nicknames like Iceman, Maverick, and Goose.


– Very strict and very secret entrance requirements.

– None of the professors seem to have teaching degrees.

– Expect regular panty-raids from the kids at the Magneticus Institute for Non-Evil Non-Mutants.

– Professor Badger’s body sometimes sets off the metal detectors.

Did you know?

…That ever since Professor Embershoot started teaching, there have been a lot more fires? Is this a coincidence? Yes.

…That Doctor Abraxas does NOT own a telepathy-enhancing machine that can be used to kill every non-mutant on earth?

…That the supersonic jet housed in a cavern 30ft below the earth doesn’t actually exist? Neither does the cavern.

…That… look people, have you noticed some weird stuff going on around here? Do you guys think that maybe… Naw, it couldn’t be – it’s right there in the name of the school…

Famous Alumni:

Joey Ice, Accountant

The Scarlet Rebel, Paralegal

William D. Pool, Personal Injury Lawyer

Beast Vandersteupel, Kelsey Grammer sound-alike.