COUNTY OF UNDISCOVERED, ONTARIO – After being magically trapped inside his latest novel, author Kyle Rapoport maligned his inability to properly write and develop female characters.
“At first I was so excited to be in this world that I created and meet all my characters. But when I got here I discovered that the men were all nuanced and complex, with elaborate backstories and clearly defined personalities, while the women were just two dimensional, undeveloped blobs.”
Rapoport’s story follows a young man as he navigates his way through work, life and love, eventually growing into a fully-realized adult. Tentatively entitled Undiscovered County, the novel is slated to be released in late 2013 and features several female characters, all of whom now disgust him.
“Take Teresa for instance,” said Rapoport, referring to the ex-girlfriend of main character Jesper Barr, “all she does is dump Barr at the beginning of the book and then show up at the end to try to win him back. That’s all she does! I don’t even think I gave her a job or hobby or last name. You know how brutal it is trying to have a conversation with someone who has no personality?”
Particularly unnerving for Rapoport was running into Crystal, described in the book as a ‘radiant beauty with blonde hair, bountiful breasts and a behind that seemed to call out to you.’
“She literally had no face!” said Rapoport. “I totally forgot to describe that part of her.”
“Somehow I thought she’d be unique. Then I ran into her outside Jesper’s apartment near the middle of the story, after she has that one night stand with me — I mean Jesper–, and she was awful! She ‘slinks’ everywhere! She never walks or jogs, even if she is in a hurry. And every single thing she said was a double-entendre,” complained Rapoport, “why does she feel like she has to trade on her sexuality if she wants to be valued as a person? For God’s sake I thought I gave her a Master’s degree!”
As the fantastical voyage into his own writing continued, Rapoport only grew more frustrated by his universe’s women and their inability to do anything other than talk about the men they are dating, appear at seemingly random moments whenever the main plotline hit a lull and occasionally vanish altogether, as in the case of Barr’s work colleague Stephanie.
“Oh yeah, I think originally she was going to be this really smart character who challenged Barr for a job at work in a way that showcased her intelligence and sense of humour,” elaborated Rapoport. “But I decided that would just be superfluous to the main story arc, a 500 page exploration of what it means to be a man in modern society.”
Reached for comment, the women of Rapoport’s novel flipped their hair and giggled.