PHOENIX, ARIZONA – Under the state’s recently passed Women’s Health and Safety Act, an Arizona woman’s uterus was convicted of manslaughter yesterday after miscarrying 3 weeks into a pregnancy.
The law states that life begins as early as the first day of the mother’s last menstrual cycle, which can be up to two weeks before conception, or up to three weeks before “pronounced female unpleasantness” according to the language of the statute.
Prosecutors were able to convince the jury that the uterus was both a “menace” and a “fortress of doom” for human life. Defence attorneys struggled to mount any defence to the charges after the judge threw out their principle argument, relying on the “Reasonable Man” standard to demonstrate that their client acted as any reasonable person or organ would in the circumstance, and was thus not guilty under the law.
Justice Hardright declared, “if the uterus had acted as a reasonable man, it would have swallowed its pride and gone through with the bloodbath that is childbirth to impress its friends.” He then posited that the uterus was in a state of “hysteria” at the time of the miscarriage, as he pointed to a map of the female anatomy showing the classical bull-horned uterus roaming around causing trouble.
“I’m very disappointed in the decision,” said the defendant’s corporeal host Molly Beals, “but I guess the law is the law.”
A sentencing hearing will be held next month, with the uterus facing the possibility of spending the rest of Molly’s days in prison. The uterus is however planning to appeal the ruling on the more family friendly argument that it had only acted in self-defense after the fetus trespassed upon its property.
