Canadian Olympic Luger Mitchel Malyk announced today that he was “totally luged-up” to perform in the one-man luge at the upcoming 2014 Sochi Winter Olympics. “Honestly, I’ve been luging my whole…
Sports
Putin hires Cossacks to protect Sochi from terrorists, Prussians
Sochi, Russia – Following a number of high profile security threats, Russian President Vladimir Putin has retained the services of hundreds of Cossacks, once the fabled horse-backed soldier…
Toronto Raptors promised no more Drake if they win next 4 games
TORONTO – The Toronto Raptors’ recent success has led head coach Nick Nurse to promise the team that Drake will step down as the team’s “global ambassador” if the Raptors …
John Tortorella suspended after behaving like John Tortorella
VANCOUVER – After last Saturday’s melee-filled game against Calgary, Vancouver Canucks coach John Tortorella has been given a fifteen day suspension for “behaving in a manner th…
Jermain Defoe announces retirement from competitive football, signs for TFC
TORONTO – Jermain Defoe called time on his glittering fifteen-year career as a trophyless competitive footballer on Monday, simultaneously announcing his retirement and signing with Toronto…
Canadian Junior Hockey team celebrates not winning shameful, shameful bronze
MALMO, SWEDEN – Canada’s Junior Hockey team celebrated long into the night after their stunning victory over having to endure the humiliation of appearing in a third place medal ceremony. P…
New contract with Toronto Maple Leafs causes Dion Phaneuf’s face to almost show emotion
TORONTO – When Dion Phaneuf put pen to paper and signed his new contract extension with the Toronto Maple Leafs his face almost assumed the position of a smile, sources reported today. Dave…
Shawn Thornton suspended for punching guy in face differently than he was supposed to
BOSTON – Boston Bruins enforcer Shawn Thornton was suspended for 15 games after a brutal attack in which he repeatedly struck Penguins defenceman Brooks Orpik in the face with his fist in a…
Police background check clears Bryzgalov to work with children, Edmonton Oilers
EDMONTON – Part-time goalie and full-time astronomer Ilya Bryzgalov is now able to make his first start for the Edmonton Oilers, after a police background check cleared him to play with Chi…
TSN anchors suddenly really excited for upcoming curling season
TORONTO – Following the NHL’s surprising announcement that Rogers Communications, and its Sportsnet tv stations, would have exclusive rights to nationally broadcast hockey games for the nex…
