KITCHENER – Local carpenter and casual environmentalist Kai Ambrose has announced he’s really excited about using a disposable, paper straw for his recently purchased soft drink, blissfully unawa…
Local
UPDATE: Gerbil has already surpassed your fitness goals
TORONTO – Brandi Bepple was shocked to discover her daughter’s gerbil, Peanut, has already surpassed her 2023 fitness goals, despite her extensive preparation and detailed vision boarding. Bepple…
Parents shocked to discover house they have lived in for twenty years has heating
BARRIE, ON – A local couple who have lived in the same house for over two decades have been shocked to discover their home has heating. “It’s just not something that ever occurred to us,” says ma…
Report: Red Deer the Boston Pizza of cities
RED DEER – An extensive investigation by the United Nations has concluded that, among all of Canada’s cities, Red Deer, Alberta is the one that most resembles the country’s iconically mediocre ch…
In historic first, Dollarama opens second cash
MONTREAL – A local Dollarama defied every expectation and opened a second cash register at the St. Laurent location in the plateau at approximately 3:44 PM on Friday. The register was open…
Apartment building named “Regency Landing” appoints Maintenance Viscount to fix leaking shitter pipes
VICTORIA — Proctor Properties Inc has recently appointed George William Sherston-Phipps Tollemache Montesquieu III of Roxborough as its Maintenance Viscount for the Regency Landing apartment buil…
“You should totally have kids!” says friend who should not have had kids
Windsor, ON – Jacob Framer, a man who should never in a million years be allowed to care for young children, has recently been heard encouraging various friends and family members to procre…
Local woman spices up dinner party with olive oil and balsamic body shots
WINNIPEG – Local accounts analyst Portia Kim wowed guests at her dinner party last night when she announced the pumpkin ginger bisque would be accompanied by olive oil and balsamic body sho…
Plants horrified to sit on bookshelf full of their dead processed cousins
SASKATOON — Local plants Natalie and William expressed their horror at having to reside on a structure surrounded by the corpses of their relatives, which have been dried, mulched, flattened, bou…
Garage sale host far too willing to share which items belonged to dead wife
SASKATOON — This weekend Sutherland neighbourhood residents gathered at Ronald Keegan’s end-of-summer garage sale, only to find that Ronald is far too inclined to inform buyers which items were o…
